Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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