Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
