I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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