K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
