just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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