highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
