I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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