Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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