apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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