oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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