How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Randomize
