I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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