Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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