i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
