i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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