I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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