I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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