note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
