A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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