i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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