Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i think i just lost a toe
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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