Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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