i jhust puked up my retainher.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
