Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
