I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
