i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
