I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
