ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
