She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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