Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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