my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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