You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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