I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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