we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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