and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
