I got chris browned last night
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize