Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
