I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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