Hey man sorry I got all grabby
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
