Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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