My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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