I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize