did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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