Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
