YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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