Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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