apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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