he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
