A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize