Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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