Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
