The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
