I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
