You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
