so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
