Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
