What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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