Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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