I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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