It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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