Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
